March 28, 2018

..Some Sh*t No One Tells You About Your First Trimester & an Outfit

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The deets: Le Specs sunnies; Zara dress (not maternity - just went up a size! These similar styles would also be great here, here, and here) & heels (similar in a flat version); Topshop jacket; Kate Spade bag (similar, super cute under $17).

Hello. This is a PSA written by 9 week pregnant me coming to chat with you from the past, or since I hope this post maybe sheds some light to those that were as clueless as I was - it's past me talking to the super super past pre-pregnancy me (hey time is like supposedly a big illusion right? Just roll with it). Hopefully by the time I hit "post" on this one I will have pushed on into the other side feeling like a real human again and wondering how the heck I ever made it through. Praying that future me has figured that out. I decided while I am in the thick of it, feeling all these feelings, I would write a post and share it with my readers in the event that they too did not know the ugly underbelly of the first 12. This may not happen for everyone but it did happen to me (insert "the more you know" rainbow here).

1. You will not feel like a whole human person for WEEKS on end. Remember how you used to laugh at your favorite shows, learn things from your favorite podcasts on your morning commute, work out, cook meals and enjoy food, and oh yeah, BLOG? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. HA. HA. Those things are dead to you now. All the preggie pops, ginger chews, and sea bands in the world can not cure this feeling.

2. Morning sickness should really be called ALL MOTHER EFFING DAY sickness. The things you have purchased on Amazon this month would tell a story alone. One of those purchases is to-go barf bags in bulk after a particularly traumatizing metro experience involving projectile vomit after having a green smoothie for breakfast. Side note: not one person will ask you if you are okay, they will walk around you like you are part of the decor and get on with their day. City. Life.

3. Even WATER will taste disgusting to you. WTF. This was totally a surprise to me but there is this lovely thing called "Dysgeusia" that some pregnant woman get and guess what...lucky for you, you got it! Thers is no getting rid of that just licked a dirty penny taste for god knows how long.

4. You get to feel hungover everyday without the joy of the cocktail the night before. Remember in your early twenties when you had that love-hate relationship with Thursday night happy hours which were SUPER fun but like, always made pushing through Friday the WORST? Trying to quell your queasy stomach and struggling to keep your eyelids open past 2pm? Wanting to carbo load at lunch and then nap under your desk? Well weeks 7-12 are basically like that GROUNDHOG DAY STYLE. 

5. Your body changes right away. I used to think you basically get to live you life normally for three months while you wait for your cute bump to arrive. No. You will be squishy all over pretty much right away and start burping like a 300 pound sailor immediately. This is due to all the extra progesterone in your system slowing down your digestion making you gassy and bloated AF. Also I never felt more pain in my boobs in my life because of all the extra blood pumping through your very sensitive areas (another amazon gem here). It is weird, folks.

6. You will have the scent capabilities of a highly trained police dog. I almost murdered my husband in his sleep for making chicken after I went to bed. The smell of the chicken baking (he was making a bunch for his lunch for the week) kept me awake and ANGRY. I actually ordered surgical masks (good old Amazon strikes again) in a diva moment/fit of rage. Stock up on that fa-breeze.

7. You get a ton of blood taken from you. Okay, I know...duh! I should have expected this but for some reason in my head I thought I'd give blood once, it would suck but they would do all the things they need to do with it from there. No. You give three vials of blood at week 8, then MORE VIALS again at week 10, then they prick your finger again at week 12. If you are squeamish about it like me then be prepared. I did not like the surprise second and third rounds!

And that ends my story of the first three months. I hear the "magical-you're-glowing-miracle-of-life"  stuff kicks in after. I will report back.

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xx E.