June 30, 2017

..Motherhood

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Look at me, almost following through! I promised a personal post each month and here we are on number two (I know I skipped May, but my first one from April was here).

I am in a strange phase of life. Everyone has seen the meme "I'm at that awkward stage in life where half of my friends are engaged and having babies and the other half are too drunk to even find their phones," well that was exactly me two years ago. It was care-free and fun to be in the later group focused on bachelorette parties and girls trips when everyone that year was planning weddings. I then got married myself so the year following was one of the best of my life. Fast forward to now...can I get a "all of my friends are pregnant and I got too wine-drunk to remember all the fried food I ordered last night" meme? Because that's about where I am, currently.

Conversely, I am totally a kid person and do imagine myself with little humans one day. I have even toyed with the idea of becoming an elementary school teacher. I don't care if we just met, I will make it my mission to have your baby in my arms at least once at the party (and honestly I have done this with much success). I will hog your child at her own birthday party without shame...but I also want to hand that baby right back to you at 4:59PM so I can catch happy hour, have no responsibility, sleep in the next morning, and then buy something frivolous like designer cocktail napkins.

I wanted to write about Motherhood as my second more personal post because even though it's not a direct part of my life yet, it's a constant adjacent one. I have a pregnant sister, four pregnant besties, a few with children already, some are trying to grow their families, and the smallest slice of the pie (including myself) are still navigating when it's the right time or still trying to find their person. I get deeply anxious when discussing the topic because people seem to be very rooted in their feelings on parenting and I find it prickly to explain my feelings without someone wanting to give me some version of side eye.

I'm in my own uncharted territory. I'm a full fledged adult and have the awful hangovers, over-priced wrinkle creams, and Amazon Prime membership to prove it (am I the only one who thinks adulthood is not mooching off someone else's and ponying up the $100 bucks for your own?), but I also don't feel like I am that kind of adult yet. Maybe this because I didn't really hit my stride until 27 (little post about that here) and I spent so long navigating the tumultuous early twenties "who the hell am I?" waters that now I'm playing catch-up. Maybe it's just because I love my current version of life so much that I don't want to come out of my bubble yet. It's like when there is a new operating system out and you keep getting that annoying notification to update your phone but you're all like... "I'll do it later" and then later comes and you're still like... "ughhhhh I still don't feel like it, this operating system works just fine. Not today, Siri." Then eventually all your apps start working at a snails pace and your battery juice burns up faster than a politician's promise on Election Day so you cave and do it begrudgingly even though you know it will make your life better in the end. I know I will eventually do it (baby) but I am going to have to hit the snooze button right in this moment. And honestly I don't even know what I mean by "moment."

Part of my reservation comes from my own home-grown issues that I have watered and tended to like beloved plants - which are now an ivy wall I can't see over. I didn't and still don't have a great personal experience with my own Mom, although I have seen some great examples of ones via friends and aunts, my mother-in-law, etc., but it has still made me formulate this impossible set of parameters that you need to fit into to "qualify." I've always felt "I'm not ready" as in "I am not worthy" of a baby yet because mothers don't do the debaucherous things I still love to do (like taking happy hour into a midnight darts game on a Thursday). Mother's are loving, healing, patient, kind, other worldy creatures whose entire existences revolve around bringing up bright, loved, emotionally stable humans. I just don't know that I am ever going to be able to grow that kind of unicorn horn (props to those of you who sprout them right away), and frankly I don't think I even want to, which scares me more. What kind of person am I that I don't WANT the horn?

I recently came to a resolution with myself that gives me a bit of relief from the anxiety I get from the sheer idea of becoming a mother, which is, I have to let the image of what I assume one is go all together. I know this could change once I actually get there because let's be honest, I don't know shiz about any of this until the time comes. I just don't see myself building my entire world around a baby, making my number one identity "mom," or giving up the things that are faux pas just to raise a child. I am sure people will think that's a really selfish mentality, but for me, knowing this now is a peaceful thought, even if it all goes by the wayside later (#highfivesforbriningthebardown).

So, yes, I have come one step closer to being okay with the idea, but then again I live in a one bedroom modern mid-century style apartment with a husband, a very fluffy cat, and a beautiful golden retriever that has exactly two doors. I always joke that I need a living space with doors before a baby enters the picture but it's true! Throwing a another living being (be it human or animal) into my current mix would be slightly insane so I'll just spend some more time figuring it all out and maybe sharing along the way.

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