Showing posts with label Two cents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Two cents. Show all posts
I want more than anything for this to be a place where if you come here to connect with me in some way, you get that. We are all friends here so I wanted to share with you this small "journey" (do any other bachelor watchers cringe when they use that word now?) that I have been on - learning to meditate. Before you give me an eye roll and bounce, I was like you! I thought it was totally weird, a waste of good down time, and also just for yogis with ballerina bodies - but I was wrong.
I wasn't raised in a home with traditional religion. I knew about it and was aware of what it was but always felt like an outsider around friends and family that participated in it. Meditation has really become a time for me to be spiritual and connect with the world on a deeper level in a way that I have been craving, my own kind of prayer if you will. In the past few months I have felt a level of stress, self doubt, and general anxiety that I am not accustomed to. While I was already regularly practicing gratitude and wake up happy most days thankful for my husband, family, and friends, due to a mixture of new work obstacles, big life questions, and my lucky predisposition to worry (genetics) this new stress was taking a toll on my health. I noticed hair loss, painful hormonal acne, and fatigue (and when you are already feelin' low let's just say those three little gremlins don't make things brighter). I was feeling like an actor playing myself. Going through the motions but not feeling okay within. I was having nightmares nightly about people passing away. I would call or text my husband at random times of the day to make sure nothing had happened to him. I was in desperate need of repairing my spiritual health. It was time to do something about it.
Meditation came up as a suggested remedy for stress on every search I but I filed it away as something people just say. I saw a dermatologist for the acne and started running every other day (small distances) for the stress which did start to help. One day I was watching an instastory of that mentioned Oprah's Super Soul Conversations podcast and I - being a huge consumer of them - added it to my subscriptions and didn't think much about it. Little did I know how much it would help me. One of the most amazing things in life is that the universe will put exactly what you need in front of you when you ask for help. A huge contribution to my start was listening to this podcast. Something had awakened in me after each episode I could feel myself getting lighter, unfolding and blooming again. After about ten episodes I realized one thing many of these fascinating people who have achieved amazing things, overcome huge obstacles, loss, or failure had in common was that almost all of them mentioned meditation or prayer at some point during their interviews. I decided then to commit to at least giving it a try.
I started with the Calm app (life changer) on a 7 day challenge. It was guided for beginners and was only 10 minutes per day. Who doesn't have 10 minutes per day? If you don’t think you have that small amount of time for self care you are lying to yourself. I was AMAZED at how much better I felt after each session. It was as if I had taken an Advil for stress. I found myself wanting to go longer after they ended. I continue now every day and can feel a difference in my soul, the weight on my chest, in each breath I take. I crave it. I even do it on my commute home on the metro on days I am able to get a seat (the beauty of smart phones).
I learned I am very bad at saying no and walk around feeling guilt almost every hour of the day. In my spare time I basically find more things to feel guilty about which is a really nasty habit. One of the biggest tools I now carry with me and pull out often is the knowledge that although you can't change your circumstance or what happens to you, you can always control your reaction and outlook from within and that is powerful.
I started with the Calm app (life changer) on a 7 day challenge. It was guided for beginners and was only 10 minutes per day. Who doesn't have 10 minutes per day? If you don’t think you have that small amount of time for self care you are lying to yourself. I was AMAZED at how much better I felt after each session. It was as if I had taken an Advil for stress. I found myself wanting to go longer after they ended. I continue now every day and can feel a difference in my soul, the weight on my chest, in each breath I take. I crave it. I even do it on my commute home on the metro on days I am able to get a seat (the beauty of smart phones).
I learned I am very bad at saying no and walk around feeling guilt almost every hour of the day. In my spare time I basically find more things to feel guilty about which is a really nasty habit. One of the biggest tools I now carry with me and pull out often is the knowledge that although you can't change your circumstance or what happens to you, you can always control your reaction and outlook from within and that is powerful.
While I still consider myself a baby beginner I wanted to share my entrance into this practice with you in case someone out there has also been searching for a new kind of healing and doesn't know where to start. To me, the most important thing is to put your intention out into the universe so it will always rise up to meet you - and that's what I am doing. I'm just here putting out the vibe. Feel free to reach out if you have questions or want to start up a conversation with me!
I try to put out a post like this every other month but if you want more of the deep stuff, you can find it here (where all my personal posts live).
I try to put out a post like this every other month but if you want more of the deep stuff, you can find it here (where all my personal posts live).
I have written in length about the battle with self-judgement (here) but for this month’s personal post I am talking about its bigger, scarier, and more destructive cousin – judging others. I say more destructive because usually engaging in this kind of behavior ends up hurting not just that person but their loved ones and then even yourself when you look inward which means that brawl with self judgement is right around the corner anyway.
We all do it and we all love to do it. I am very guilty of turning on Bachelor in Paradise and going to TOWN on some of these people that are probably just trying to make it in a very competitive LA world (although they are making fun of themselves at the same time – which isn’t an excuse – but does make you feel less bad about it).
Honestly, when I think to myself “I really don’t like this person” or "they are so annoying" in a REAL way it’s usually because of something going on inside myself that's the true root of it. There are a few reality TV personalities, bloggers, and even regular people I know that that evoke this ugly feeling in me and when I stop to consider a common denominator it becomes clear that each one of them have do have something in common that urks me. Nine times out of ten when I feel the distaste start to bubble up, its over someone who is absolutely and unapologeticly confident in themselves and take unapologetic pride in their work. Key word being unapologetic (did I say that enough times yet?). Even if I don’t agree, these folks feel that way and are making it known – and can’t be persuaded otherwise. That “I am putting this work out there and it’s great” or “I am beautiful and I know it” or “I am the best at this so deal with it and get on board and admire it.”
WHY in the world should those qualities bother me? Aren’t they something to strive for? Yes! Everyone should be more confident in themselves and their work. It's something I consistently struggle with (hence the looooong self judgement post) and I think when I recognize it in another my initial reaction is to hate on it because in all realness – I am jealous that it comes so easily to them. Boom. Mind blown. To judge someone else is to judge yourself. I truly believe there is no way to pass a judgement on someone else without revealing something intimate about yourself which means you can’t do one without the other. Let me repeat that. YOU CAN'T DO ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER.
WHY in the world should those qualities bother me? Aren’t they something to strive for? Yes! Everyone should be more confident in themselves and their work. It's something I consistently struggle with (hence the looooong self judgement post) and I think when I recognize it in another my initial reaction is to hate on it because in all realness – I am jealous that it comes so easily to them. Boom. Mind blown. To judge someone else is to judge yourself. I truly believe there is no way to pass a judgement on someone else without revealing something intimate about yourself which means you can’t do one without the other. Let me repeat that. YOU CAN'T DO ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER.
I recently saw that one of my favorite bloggers was bullied on the blogger hate site we will not mention and it broke her. I don’t know this person at all on a personal level and I have been lucky enough to not experience anything like that (because I am a flea in the blogger world – I am sure they’d have lots to say if that weren’t the case) but seeing anyone be dismantled and crushed by a bunch of anonymous people, scrutinizing their every move and word is heartbreaking. Our flaws make us who we are. Our contrasting life choices make us who we are. Our different preferences make us who we are. We can not all follow the same set of life rules. We must be able to see and respect the beauty in variation. It’s okay to not vibe with every human you meet on a best friend level but we can definitely all be cordial to one another. We can all learn from one another. We can try to embrace the differences in one another. If someone is getting satisfaction or validation from putting someone else down – what does that really say about what is going on in their own heart?
It is so so very hard to take a step back and look at yourself from a different perspective and it takes practice to reach inside and figure out what exactly is eliciting that emotion from you, but it is so eye opening! I know I'm not the poster girl for exemplary behavior (like I said, I do watch trashy television and have many, many thoughts - don't even get me started on the Real Housewives franchise) but I think we can all strive to move closer to the goal post. Like your least favorite vegetable, it tastes bad going down but it's good for you in the end - your own soul multi-vitamin of sorts.
I know this is different form my normal posts, I try to put one out a month but if you want more of the deep stuff, you can find it here (where all my personal posts live).
Always know when there is a new post up by following CC!
I know this is different form my normal posts, I try to put one out a month but if you want more of the deep stuff, you can find it here (where all my personal posts live).
I have been scared to hit "publish" on this one for a while. This is really different territory for Currently Coveting but per the results of my reader survey (still open, please take it!), one of the things you would like to see more of on this blog (along with more outfits) are personal posts, which was a surprise to me, but shouldn't have been because I love when other bloggers open up (kind of a forehead smack moment). I can't make any promises, but I am going to try to commit to 1-2 personal posts a month starting now (putting together something that I think is thoughtful and also personal takes a lot out of me). If you are curious about anything, or have a subject you want me to touch on, please let me know by leaving a comment, taking my survey, or reaching out any of the ways here. I aim to please.
So anyway - I am about to get like, RUUUULL, rull deep.
So anyway - I am about to get like, RUUUULL, rull deep.
It can be so very hard to take a long hard look inside and assess where you are. I don't mean your life goals, age, or physically, but mentally and emotionally, where you at right now? Some days I feel like I can do anything, other days I feel like a giant failure but my goal is to live the most positive and happy life that I can (I believe in the law of you get what you vibe) so I like to really stay connected to myself. I do a pretty decent job and wake up most mornings actually feeling happiness but it’s hard work to get there. I have put a lot of effort into modifying the lens in which I see the world.
As tuned in as I am, I still get waves of emotions that I don't understand from time to time that don't feel great. Maybe we all do and just slap the "I'm in a funk" sticker on it and move on. It's the easy thing to do, let them crash over us and try not to be taken into the undertow. I think most of us do this without really attempting to understand the origin of the wave but in my opinion it's so helpful to pinpoint the storm that's causing the self-judgement ripples. So that's what I do.
To begin, I am going to give a breakdown of the complicated inner-workings of the Erin-brain that I have only come to understand after 30 years of life. For example: I am the person that had anxiety over my wedding shower and bachelorette parties last year because the idea of people expending their time, money, and love on me in such a demanding way sent me into an inward "I am so not worthy of this" spiral. I would constantly replay every interaction with that friend and think "do they feel my appreciation?" "Do I reciprocate this love and generosity?" "Will they feel like the effort was worth it?" It was a constant emotional battle the days leading up to each one (and I had three). I know how silly this sounds but I am infinitely more emotionally comfortable on the flip side being the comforter, the giver, the thrower, the person who listens, gives advice, and reassures.
As a true Gemini/Leo rising communication and empathy have always been my strengths. I can't watch scary movies because of it, I actually feel what the character is feeling and it affects me long after the movie ends. These same traits also grant me the gift of a very disarming presence (that and I have the voice of a cartoon bunny). I can't tell you how many times I am stopped for directions, help using the metro-card machines on my way to work, or end up on the receiving end of an intimate conversation with an Uber driver I just met...yet I fall into the extrovert category. Meaning I might be chatting your ear off or be the loudest one in the room saying something I will regret but I don't want the attention on me. The math doesn't add up.
The more you know about how your mind works, the better equipped you are to deal with your feelings. I recently found out I am what you call a "Thinking" extrovert (there are now four kinds I highly suggest you find out where you fall). This basically means that yes, I am can thrive in social settings, but there is a constant introspective check running in the background like an anti-virus program on your computer. I am an over-sharer by nature but extremely self-conscious the millisecond after I do just that. I self-reflect after every interaction and (almost) exclusively paint the picture of who I am through others perspectives, so my self-worth ends up in the hands of everyone else. This can be complicated because my default setting is to assume people are pretty harsh even if that isn't true. Surprisingly, this doesn't make me think extra hard before opening up my pie hole and that filter thins out even further when I consume a few glasses of wine (as it does for all of us). This makes that instantaneous self-refection data come back with pretty terrible judgments on myself, which then makes me want to hibernate for a while because I'm disappointed, but as an extrovert, I get energy from social settings so the whole cycle starts again and can be exhausting and taxing. I'll have a small emotional implosion, and then judge myself for daring to have one. I convince myself that my feelings aren't real or justified because I have friends battling things like cancer and fertility and when I look at my life from that perspective I shouldn't have the nerve to feel anything less than #blessed. They say the thief of joy is comparison, but in my experience comparison does not discriminate against the emotions it wants to take from you.
So when I started feeling off and slightly negative about myself I needed to get to the root of it, and then uproot that biatch. I started by examining who I thought I was through everyone in my life's eyes who mattered and it painted a picture of someone who does many things with good intent, but nothing well. I saw an okay daughter, sister, wife, friend, employee, blogger, cook, pet owner, creative, planner, [insert the rest of the hats here]...but not exemplary. I had finally identified that last emotional wave I didn't quite understand and it was the feeling of absolute unremarkable mediocracy. This is, ironically, a deeply painful and overwhelming realization. I may have shed some tears at work, called my husband in a panic, and thankfully had a good friend talk me out of the hole that was totally unprompted and self-induced.
To my surprise I immediately felt a tiny bit better (even through the tears) when I got down to what was nagging at me because I could make a plan to break it down and deal with it. When you understand that the way your mind works is partly out of your control, it's easier to step back and see that some of those insecurities aren't even based in fact (who am I to assume what YOU think of me? You could be perfectly kind!), which empowers me to take a stab at slaying the dragon that is self-judgement.
The point I hope to make here is that every emotion and feeling comes from somewhere and deserves attention and analysis, especially when it comes to beating up on yourself. It can be too easy to minimize it in comparison to the massive infinite spectrum of possible emotions, but nothing is learned that way. Do your best, learn about yourself, continue improving, and keep that little beast in check when you can by pulling it from the darkness. A thing can seem scary because you can't see it but in the light turns out to be something else much more manageable.
Always know when there is a new post up by following CC!
All photos via instagram.
As we come to the end of the first month in 2015, I find myself feeling ready to take on the year in a way that I hadn't even felt on day one. I think because I finally had a four hour time span during my recent solo bus ride to NYC to pause and think about it. I know it's so faux pas to talk about how "busy" you are in life, and I know busy does not equal productive, however, I really do feel I have been so insanely busy over the last few months that I haven't had a lot of time to digest my life. A life that (thankfully) is filled with places to be, people to meet, things to celebrate including the start of a friends business, so many engagements, weddings, birthdays, holiday parties, family, travel plans, blog plans, work, date nights, pets, babies, happy hours, and repeat. Throw in a car accident and a couple ski trips and you have a pretty good picture of my current life.
As much of a blessing it is to have so many balls in the air, it is also taxing in ways you don't really think about when you are in the midst of pushing through. I constantly feel I am falling behind and then racing to catch up in different segments of my life (friendships, my blog, my heath, love, etc). It's like if I keep my focus on one thing for too long, the other things become blurry and I have to switch gears and repeat the process all over again, which brings be to the point of this post: Resolutions. Below are some of the resolutions I have come up with to bring more balance, happiness, and wellness to my already very full life.
1. Take a real vacation this year not related to a wedding, bachelorette, or holiday alone with the boyfriend (this is something we have never done in 8 years of dating).
2. Continue working on changing my perspective. This is something I have been working on for a couple of years now and I definitely feel a difference.
3. Actually drink the recommended amount of water every day, don't know why but this is so hard for me!
4. Be more financially responsible. Homes don't just buy themselves.
5. Keep investing in my best friends, they are people I want around far into my future.
6. Create more in general. Attempt new DIYs, try handmade gifts, paint, decorate, whatever it is, I want to spend more time physically creating things.
7. Be more unapologetic about who I am, what I want, who I love, and how I want to live while being easier on myself when I don't meet expectations. I want to be comfortable in my own life because I am the one who has to live it. No more excuses.
8. Take the leap and invest in a trainer. I have come to terms with the fact that I don't have it in me to do it alone and that is okay.
9. Schedule more "do nothing" time. Blocks during the weekend that aren't for blogging, grocery shopping, or brunches with the girls. More time to read with my cat by my side, go for a walk, or maybe even do more of #7 on this list.
What are your resolutions this year? I would love to know! Find more of my out of character opinion-y posts here.
1. Take a real vacation this year not related to a wedding, bachelorette, or holiday alone with the boyfriend (this is something we have never done in 8 years of dating).
2. Continue working on changing my perspective. This is something I have been working on for a couple of years now and I definitely feel a difference.
3. Actually drink the recommended amount of water every day, don't know why but this is so hard for me!
4. Be more financially responsible. Homes don't just buy themselves.
5. Keep investing in my best friends, they are people I want around far into my future.
6. Create more in general. Attempt new DIYs, try handmade gifts, paint, decorate, whatever it is, I want to spend more time physically creating things.
7. Be more unapologetic about who I am, what I want, who I love, and how I want to live while being easier on myself when I don't meet expectations. I want to be comfortable in my own life because I am the one who has to live it. No more excuses.
8. Take the leap and invest in a trainer. I have come to terms with the fact that I don't have it in me to do it alone and that is okay.
9. Schedule more "do nothing" time. Blocks during the weekend that aren't for blogging, grocery shopping, or brunches with the girls. More time to read with my cat by my side, go for a walk, or maybe even do more of #7 on this list.
What are your resolutions this year? I would love to know! Find more of my out of character opinion-y posts here.
So when I shook things up here a couple weeks ago by putting up a more opinionated, wordy post, you guys responded really well! So I guess am going to start having more of them around here. This weeks topic: authenticity.
Okay, rewind. It's hard to just jump right in here so let me back up.
I've started to feel a lack of inspiration lately. The blogs and websites that inspired me to start one of my own in the first place have recently fallen into a place of...what's the word I'm looking for..
...sameness?
photoshoped-ness?
"trust me I'm a self-proclaimed expert-ness"?
"look at all this free-stuff-ness?"
"you should totally buy this-ness?"
I have started to notice this "peony-macaron-bright-gold-sparkly-BRANDING-BRANDING-BRANDING-LOOK AT ME I'M A BRAND!" wash over everything and while some of that was once was fresh and beautiful to me and I get why it is sometimes necessary, it basically induces an internal cringe. Maybe I follow too many blogs, boutiques, and websites now for my own good and I am simply inundating myself, I don't know, I just keep waiting to feel something from them again aside from that knee-jerk eye roll.
Sigh. I think I just said the thing you're not supposed to say as a blogger.
Okay, rewind. It's hard to just jump right in here so let me back up.
I've started to feel a lack of inspiration lately. The blogs and websites that inspired me to start one of my own in the first place have recently fallen into a place of...what's the word I'm looking for..
...sameness?
photoshoped-ness?
"trust me I'm a self-proclaimed expert-ness"?
"look at all this free-stuff-ness?"
"you should totally buy this-ness?"
I have started to notice this "peony-macaron-bright-gold-sparkly-BRANDING-BRANDING-BRANDING-LOOK AT ME I'M A BRAND!" wash over everything and while some of that was once was fresh and beautiful to me and I get why it is sometimes necessary, it basically induces an internal cringe. Maybe I follow too many blogs, boutiques, and websites now for my own good and I am simply inundating myself, I don't know, I just keep waiting to feel something from them again aside from that knee-jerk eye roll.
Sigh. I think I just said the thing you're not supposed to say as a blogger.
I have never been the kind of girl that likes to share gripes on this blog (duh - it's called currently coveting, not currently grinding my gears), but I am coming to a point in life where in-authenticity is annoying, boring, and not worth my time. I don't need my life to look like a magazine article, and personally, not to offend, but I don't have any desire to see yours through that lens either. It's fine if you dig that, but I read blogs to peek into peoples perspectives, tip-toe into their lives, see if there is a human connection there, and get inspired. If I wanted to see pictures of a woman perfectly posed in a c/o designer outfit, on a designer bike, with designer farmers market flowers hanging effortlessly from said bike's basket with no explanation, I'd open up an Anthropologie or J.Crew catalog.
I want to share real things I wore to real life events whether that was just a Tuesday in the office or a special occasion. The point is to share those very real moments in time I wore these things, real projects I completed, things I baked for real celebrations of people I love, real girl tips (yes this is my zit on the internet), and humor on here because at the end of the day, these are my documented memories, and my history. What the heck is the point of one day looking back on your blogged life if its the carefully curated, edited version? I want the me two years from now to peruse these archives and feel as if she were visiting an old friend. In order to do that I need to keep it real.
I just wanted to take a minute to say, although I do work with brands, and use gifted items from time to time, I will never become an online lifestyle magazine, photo-shop myself skinnier, lie to you, or bombard you with ads and sponsored posts. If you are here to begin with, I feel honored that you want to take a peek into my life and would never want to abuse that lovely gesture. To keep this a positive post, I want to share a few of my favorite bloggers that do just that:
Sydney of The Day Book - her writing on anything at all is seriously inspirational.
Kendi of Kendi Everyday - she wears really relatable mostly affordable fashions and is also witty as hell.
Aaaaand rant over, promise.
I want to share real things I wore to real life events whether that was just a Tuesday in the office or a special occasion. The point is to share those very real moments in time I wore these things, real projects I completed, things I baked for real celebrations of people I love, real girl tips (yes this is my zit on the internet), and humor on here because at the end of the day, these are my documented memories, and my history. What the heck is the point of one day looking back on your blogged life if its the carefully curated, edited version? I want the me two years from now to peruse these archives and feel as if she were visiting an old friend. In order to do that I need to keep it real.
I just wanted to take a minute to say, although I do work with brands, and use gifted items from time to time, I will never become an online lifestyle magazine, photo-shop myself skinnier, lie to you, or bombard you with ads and sponsored posts. If you are here to begin with, I feel honored that you want to take a peek into my life and would never want to abuse that lovely gesture. To keep this a positive post, I want to share a few of my favorite bloggers that do just that:
Sydney of The Day Book - her writing on anything at all is seriously inspirational.
Kendi of Kendi Everyday - she wears really relatable mostly affordable fashions and is also witty as hell.
Aaaaand rant over, promise.
Let me first say that I am often the one in my group of ladies to throw complaints about getting older out into the world like confetti. Yes, the hangovers Suck with a capital S, yes, the lines in your forehead are laying their groundwork like little carpenters mapping out your old saggy future, and yes, we have no idea what tweens are talking about anymore and that freaks us the eff out. You graduated WHEN? Yeah.
BUT..
There are some straight up AWESOME things about being in your late twenties and beyond that go under appreciated at times and today I am here to bring them the acknowledgement they deserve. Not to say everyone is on the same page here, but I know that you can probably relate to at least some of these points, so celebrate.
1. We have figured out what the hell to to with our hair, people, and that was NO easy feat. It took years of bad haircuts, colors, and product searching. YEARS. Go us!
2. We can do our makeup with our damned eyes closed and still emerge looking semi-fabulous because we've practiced the shit out of that routine, whatever it may be.
3. We have a true personal style. No more dipping our toes in suspect trends just to test the waters. We know what we can get away with and what makes us look stupid. Crop tops? Yes, if paired with the right skirt. High waisted cut off jeans that expose your lower buttock? No way. Platform sneakers? Hard pass.
4. We have more swagger now than we ever did in our early twenties which makes us TOTALLY SEXY. This is partly because of numbers 1, 2, and 3, but mostly because we are finally comfortable in our skin and don't care about strangers opinions.
5. We know who our true friends are and surround ourselves with them. We live more fulfilled, quality lives because we know who to invest time in and who it's okay to let go of.
6. We have more disposable income because we've likely been promoted a time or two by now. You want to buy a $42 bottle of hair spray (looking at you, Oribe)? GO FOR IT. Take THAT 23 year old self.
7. Sometimes, our friends HAVE BABIES. THEY LITERALLY MAKE NEW HUMANS. That effing rocks in ways I can hardly understand.
8. We know how to make delicious things without a damn recipe. We may have learned out of necessity when we were thrust into adulthood, but have have since taken that bull by the horns and could probably compete in at least the first round of Chopped and come out with something edible.
Basically, if I had to sum it up, we are just wiser, funnier, happier, and better because we have stocked up on lifes trials, tribulations, and lessons. So cheers to us, late twenties-early thirties ladies. We are effing awesome and don't you forget it.
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